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On of the most powerful techniques I have discovered to help build effective communication, is something I have given the label 'The Psychology of Value.' Often when I conduct a communication skills training session I use this model to help identify how you can increase your buy in with the people you are communicating to.'The Psychology of Value' refers to an individual's perception of how much they feel valued when engaged in verbal communication. Whether we realize it or not, we all make sub conscious assessments on how comfortable we feel in relation to our perceived value in the verbal exchange. For example do I feel respected, listened to, or am I finding this communication natural and comfortable or demeaning and patronizing.This is the main underpinning dynamic which causes people to engage or disengage when you are communicating to them.Your ability to understand this dynamic is critical to create the right connection when you desire to get your message across with impact. It is even more critical when you enter into conflict or more emotionally tense conversations. Let me break it down so you can understand the principle a little more deeply. I will also add some practical suggestions on how to create this communication dynamic for the next time you desire to really engage the other person.The general three drives we measure our sense of value from are as follows:1. Acceptance and BelongingThe drive to feel needed and to be accepted by other people or groups. For example family, work colleagues, friends or even clients.2. SecurityThe need to feel safe and non-threatened. This can be environmentally, socially, relationally, financially etc.3. ControlThe need to feel in a reasonable amount of control of life and your circumstances.When we perceive that these areas are under threat, for example rejection vs acceptance, insecure vs secure and perhaps anxiety because you don't feel in control, you will have one of two reactions. You may go on the attack as you perceive threat or you withdraw in order to protect yourself from the perceived threat.Both of these reactions come from a deeper sense of loss of respect in the communication exchange. Respect is like air if people perceive that it is missing they stop breathing and it chokes the free flow of healthy communication. How you perceive you're being respected is directly tied to your sense of value.So this leads me to looking at practical ways we can communicate to ensure the other party perceives a greater sense of value even in disagreement.Use more inclusive language IE. we, us, our in other words more collective words as they convey a more empathetic feel and tone. The you, your, me and I statements try and keep to a minimum. A good rule of thumb is about an 80/20 mix. This helps the person you are communicating to feel like you are talking at their level and removes the sense of being talked at or down to.Another strategy, which can help the perception of feeling more valued, is to ask more questions rather than make statements. Put simply what do you prefer, to be asked or told? In the right context most people answer "asked." So the key here is to ask people more questions as it helps them to feel like you value their opinion. This is another strategy to help convey they are valued during the communication.Of course there are many more practical communication steps you can take to create the sense of value in the communication, but these simple techniques can be easily implemented straight away.In Summary:Making an ongoing commitment to communication training, as opposed to feeling just because we understand something we can do it, means continual practice in every conversation. When we arrive at such a time that some of these above techniques become second nature you no longer need to make a conscious decision to do it. Next time you are communicating with another person, start to become aware of how many times you use inclusive and exclusive words and try asking more questions rather than giving opinions and statements.

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